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Thursday, September 5, 2019


                               Starring: Hayley Griffith, Ruby Modine, Rebecca Romijn

                                                    Directed by: Chelsea Stardust


       Trepidation can be a funny thing, especially when you've got a gig such as a movie reviewer - you're offered up projects that deep down you're really not sure if they'll turn your head, or make you wish you suffered from a bout of temporary blindness (usually lasting 90 minutes or so), and this was the case when I was given the shot of checking out Chelsea Stardust's latest pic, Satanic Panic.

  Let me preface this review with my overall thoughts on the film (which I normally never format like this)) - the film was just okay, and I mean that in the nicest way possible. This won't be one of those "stay far away - CAVEAT" kind of warnings to the horror/comedy fan I may be writing to, but there is a rarity to one of those films that comes along that gets watched...and then is in your rear-view like that sketchy hitchhiker left standing on a deserted road with their thumb out - simple as that. The film stars relative newcomer Hayley Griffith as a generally stuck-in-the-mud pizza delivery girl - her too-sweet demeanor isn't exactly cut for the rough-and-tumble world of sustenance conveyance, and she's not showing much in the dollar department as a result. One particular destination leads her to a spatial mansion where she gets stiffed on the tip again, and after finding the nerve to confront those who gypped her, she finds herself smack-dab in the middle of a Satanic ceremony, led by the forever radiant Rebecca Romijn as pseudo-priestess, Danica.

 Sam's immediately in a bad spot, targeted by this cult of well-financed kooks, and since she's on the "virgin" side of the sexual spectrum, she's the perfect candidate for a sacrifice...jeez, and all she wanted was a few bucks for the pies she dropped off! At every turn, she's faced with fighting off another goofy member of the sect and gains some assistance from fellow virginal quarry, Judi (Modine). Her will to survive is as sharp as her tongue and together the duo will have to hack and slash their way to escaping this rather unordinary evening.  Bolstered by funny cameos from names such as Jerry O'Connell, Jeff Daniel Phillips and AJ Bowen, the movie balances out a decent smattering of dark comedic elements and generally darker subject matter - it works, but honestly nothing that hasn't been cranked out before. All in all I'll give Stardust's direction a thumbs up, but the movie seemed to rely on too much snarky and dry humor in an attempt to knock the crowd for a loop.

  For the casual horror/comedy fan Satanic Panic should at least garner a one-time watch but more hardcore lovers of all things evil and a bit chuckle-inducing might find this panic to be a bit more of a fizzling tizzy.

 FILM RATING: 2.5 out of 5

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