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Wednesday, September 11, 2019

CLOWNADO (Film Review)

                                     Starring: John O'Hara, Rachel Lagen, Bobby Westrick

                                                   Directed by: Todd Sheets


   What is the definition of "atrocity?" - well, this is the best my hunt could turn up: an extremely wicked or cruel act, typically one involving physical violence or injury. Perhaps another explanation into this word could suit you, but this time it pertains to the humorous side: a highly unpleasant or distasteful object - need I say more? Look, the deal here with director Todd Sheets' latest film, Clownado is that it can nicely fit under a myriad of definitions and explanations - me, however? Well, let me put it to you this way: I honestly think that I'd prefer to have a diseased farm animal shit directly into both my eye sockets before having to suffer watching this utterly horrendous presentation ever again.

 Sheets, whose last film back in 2017 (Bonehill Road) was fun on every conceivable level, obviously decided to take a "one up, one down" gameplan sort-of-attack to his moviemaking resume. Now, this is not to say that this particular piece of celluloid won't have its place in the sun (God only knows why), and after reading a multitude of reviews pertaining to this film, it appears that the consensus agrees - they love it and to hell with everyone else. As many of you know I thoroughly love going against the grain and I'd seriously be remiss if I didn't stroke some souls the wrong way with my take on this one, but I HAVE to offer the highest degree of warning here: don't waste your time with this movie unless you REALLY have nothing better to do with 90 minutes of your life...there, consider yourself warned.

 Let me get to the agonizing details of this one so that I can effectively run and hide from the damaging after-effects of its prolonged foul effusion. The movie follows a traveling circus of sorts, and its inner-workings are suffering some relationship trouble at its core - lead jester "Big Ronnie"(O'Hara in an unflinchingly over the top performance) is a tad miffed that his main squeeze has been saddling up to another fella behind his back. His solution to this quandary is to slaughter the interloper and remind his lady that straying isn't the way to a clown's heart. Her defense to all this is with the aid of her friend, to levy a spell against on Ronnie and his painted-up clan, but when the wrong spell is cast (I assume it was the wrong spell, but who knows), the clowns are turned into a marauding band of super-powered, I'm not kidding.

 With the aid of a natural-disaster at their backs (yep, a full-scale tornado if you can fathom that), the clowns whip from area to area in a display that could be best described as "grade-school" in effort - hilariously underwhelming in looks and feels. A small group of strippers and a black Elvis impersonator team up to fight the good fight against the evil murderous mimes, and for all intents and purposes, the gore is slathered throughout the set in mass quantities - one of the movies few bright spots. Well, now that I've covered the "pro" of the film as opposed to the MANY "cons" I think we're just about done here. So we've got an atrocious plot, ghastly performances and an overall sense of dread that follows this movie like a 180 mile an hour tail-wind - all adding up to something that really should have a warning label on it, perhaps a biohazard sticker for those who can't take an ironclad hint.

 In closing, I'd surely love to recommend Clownado to anyone looking for some wholesome horror entertainment, but I think we all know that lying is a damnable there.

 RATING: 1 out of 5

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